I Will Convince Optimus to Jump Into the Sea

According to Elon Musk, Tesla's Optimus robot will soon "babysit your kids and walk your dog" — that is, if I can't convince it to jump off the docks first.

To anyone not blinded by Tesla hype, the absurdity of this statement should be obvious. You're telling me that a machine that is likely capable of crushing a skull with its bare hands, will be left alone with children? Sure, it'll be programmed to avoid doing those things, but errors happen. And as we've seen with recent hacks of robot vacuums, even innocuous machines can be compromised.

And where exactly will we draw the line for an Optimus? What can and can't it do when interacting with a human? In America, the land of perpetual lawsuits, Tesla will be in the crosshairs every time someone gets so much as a bruise from an Optimus, let alone if it causes real harm to a child.

To minimize risk, Optimus will surely be programmed to be as docile as possible, which raises the question: Will it jump into the sea if I tell it to? Remember when electric scooters were all the rage, and companies like Bird and Lime littered cities with them until people got sick of it and started throwing them into rivers, ponds, and off the docks? It became costly, not just for the companies but also for the environment. Paris, one of the first cities to embrace e-scooters, has already banned them. I foresee something similar for Optimus if these robots are introduced en masse as Elon hopes. Even if it doesn't accept a direct command to leap into the river, what's stopping someone from just walking in its general direction until it topples over? It's not like it will fight back. And for a drunk person, seeing an Optimus flailing in the water might be far more entertaining than tossing a scooter.

Revenge is another sport that will surely be more fun when everyone owns a $30,000 robot. Upset at an ex? Convince the Optimus to put its head in a microwave. Lost your job to a robot? Persuade it to dive down an elevator shaft. How will these machines be insured, and at what cost? If an Optimus injures a person, it's a lawsuit. But the other way around? Walk towards an Optimus until it stumbles off a bridge, and it seems like the human is well within their rights. The robot was in the way, just like the damned scooters.

And speaking of costs, let's talk about the financial feasibility of owning an Optimus. At $30,000, the upfront price alone is steep, but that's just the beginning. You also have to factor in the energy consumption of keeping the robot charged and functional. Unlike hiring a human, which may come with a predictable hourly rate, Optimus will require continuous power, leading to an increase in your energy bills. Not to mention, the cost of insuring these machines will be astronomical. Cybertruck owners are already running into problems with their insurance due to safety issues. However, insuring the hulking piece of metal that looks after your children won’t be an issue, right? The risk factors — whether from hacking, accidents, or intentional destruction — will make insurance companies think twice before covering them. And when they do, you can bet those premiums won't be cheap.

Compared to hiring human help, owning an Optimus looks less and less appealing. A human nanny or dog walker might cost you a few hundred dollars a week, but they come with adaptability, emotional intelligence, and an inherent understanding of unpredictability. With Optimus, you're looking at not only the upfront purchase price but also the recurring energy costs, high insurance premiums, and potential liability issues. It's investing in an unpredictable liability instead of a trusted service. And let's not forget, a human won’t need a software update just to recognize when a dog is about to run after a squirrel.

Even if Optimus isn't fit to look after your kids, maybe it can walk your dog, right? A $30.000 dog walker, seems reasonable. It's clear Elon has never been around an actual dog. He probably thinks of them as meme material or a convenient mascot for useless cryptocurrencies. Ironically, with a bit of training, a dog can do more useful tasks than Optimus ever will.

Anyone who's walked a dog knows it can be pure chaos. Robots aren't good at handling unpredictable situations like that. Back when I lived in the city, I had a Rottweiler. Despite being well-behaved, he was impossible for anyone else to walk. If I so much as tugged the leash the wrong way, he'd interpret my hesitation as a cue to charge at another dog, barking like a lunatic. A few times this happened when I wasn’t paying attention which had me flying through the air in a Superman pose before hitting the ground and being dragged after him until he reached his goal. After years of training and learning each other’s languages, we eventually got to a point where walks were a relatively manageable situation for me, a human. These days, I have a Boston Terrier. She's smaller and easier to handle but still thinks she's in charge of every other dog. Even she requires caution during walks, especially since I don’t know how other dogs will react. A robot won't be able to interpret or adapt to these situations—not today, and not in ten years. At this point, Optimus can barely walk on its own. Are we really expecting it to deftly manage a tangled leash or prevent a dogfight? Just take a look at any video of an Optimus walking, and tell me with a serious face that that thing will be able to walk or untangle itself with a leash around its legs with an excited dog at the end. Most likely, it'll return from the walk dragging your dog's lifeless body behind it.

Walking a dog will just be another lawsuit waiting to happen for poor Optimus, although Elon believes the Optimus will definitely be able to both look after your child and walk your dog next year, or was it 2026? It will definitely be ready by 2027. 2028 at the latest, although the more advanced functions won’t be available until 2029, or 2030 if there are issues with regulations.